Someone brought up facebook posts from way back in the day when I was grade 7. Great! Thanks a lot. My innocent posts are the reason I lost my innocence, and the way it played out was nothing nobody ever should go through. The following day after posting was hell. My classmates, whom I thought were chill and nice guys, turned at me once walking into the classroom. All were friends on facebook, so all saw my innocent little FUCKING post. Various comments were made, and I laughed for the first bit, then I realized these were no pokes at fun. They made me a fool in front of my middle school crush, and when I saw her laughing too, all I could do was sit alone at my desk and wait until school was over.
And one memory is checked off the table of many.
Me and my middle-school crush were getting along well, and I was happy because of it. She had noticed me! Little did I know that my best friend was a bit more of a lady charmer than myself. I was proud of his gifts, and glad to call him my friend. His musical gifts were unparalleled by anyone in the school. Even the music teacher himself, which he admitted openly to the class. So it comes to no surprise that she’d have a crush on my good friend. Fuck! I always was the gentlemen, always letting them be together, and being the honouring friend to them both. I loved both of them, but I hated how I did everything for them just to get nothing in return. We all went to the same youth group, and rides back home were tough for me. I always had to call for a ride, and that required me having a phone, of which I didn’t own. Borrowing a phone was my only option. Normally my crush would have a ride and room for one more person. Being the good friend that I am I gave the seat to my best friend without qualms about it. Sometimes I wasn’t even given the option. One night I again let him have the ride back, but to my misfortune no one was left at the building. I had to walk almost a 3 hour walk to get back home! And it was all for me being a FUCKING gentleman. Youth ended at 9 in the evening, and I got home around 1am! Fuck That! My parents were worried, and all I told them was that no phone was available. After that they just came to get me at nine, but I still wanted to be with my crush, in her car. It broke me inside that they were together, but I still held my head up for them. What was I thinking? I guess it was just me being a nice human being, but I hated being nice. Every night I’d think of words to say to them about how I was feeling, and how much I did for them! But words just became nothing, and I’d just greet them with a smile and “Hi.” When they finally broke up, my friend came to me asking for support, and I thought to myself, “Now you know the least of what I’ve been feeling, and I want you to bathe in your own despair like I’ve been doing for the past year.” Instead I supported him, and we hugged it out. Thinking that it was my chance to confront my crush, I walked towards her thinking of what I was to say, and many words came to mind about my confession. All I ended up saying was, “I hope you find someone who works for you.”
Really!? WHY WAS I SO FUCKING NICE?!?!? Then she moved to another school, and that was the end of it. Now I can barely talk to girls, let alone make contact. Even if it be a simple touch or poke. All I can think of is wishing it’d be her that I was with. HER.
That Is what I like to call venting on the internet.
Please don’t bring up those kind of posts again or i’ll cry.